Home  Jewish Topics Talk Back: Late Marriages
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Talk Back: Late Marriages |
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Written by PersianRabbi.com Staff
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 For better or for worse, our generation is witnessing a new phenomena amongst Persian Jews living in America. Where the average age of matrimony was in the twenties, the norm has shifted into the 30's and the occasional 40's. Why is this so?
Is it the women's fault? The men's fault?
Is it bad? Is it good?
How can we change the trend?
This is your chance to share your thoughts and reasons for the later marriage rate in our community. Feel free to comment with the form below.
The GIRLS in our community are very materialistic where money is the number one priority. How do you expect a college student or recent graduate to afford a house in Beverly Hills and drive BMW or
Benz and not to mention that eye-catching diamond ring that she wants?
-Michael in L.A.
Huh! Why ALWAYS BLAME THE WOMAN. THE MEN are JUST as SHALLOW. Wanting someone YOUNG and Beautiful ALWAYS looking for the PERFECT woman on the outside because the men want to SHOW off how cool they are BECAUSE they have this beautiful woman on their arms REGARDLESS as how this woman IS on the outside. The man could look like a Balding Troll with the Personality of spit and the substance of a Tapeworm but they TOO want the MOST beautiful woman that will look good on their arms. So what do they do Floss and Showboat running into debt trying to buy all these wonderful things. KNOWING that they don't have it like that. Then when they GET the MOST beautiful girl they find out TOO that even though she looks good on the outside she too has the personality of spit and the substance of a tape worm so after a $300,000+ wedding you are divorced within 6 months to a year. I have seen this happen time and time again ESPECIALLY in the Land of Fruits, nuts, Berries and Flakes being LA LA Land LA.
Again with all these weddings I have not seen anything built around Torah Values? Only what can you do for me and How long will you look good before I kick you to the curb for a younger version of you. It goes BOTH ways not just one. I know people that were dating NON-Jewish women BEFORE They married and they were STILL running around with the same women WHILE he was married and left his WIFE and is NOW living with this NON-Jewish woman. Again no Torah NO Where just all fluff. Then when men get a little older they STILL want a young woman bought this time they are desparate. So they will marry their second choice depending on how much money they have.
IT GOES BOTH WAYS. The men are JUST as Materialistic and shallow. That will not even give a girl a chance if she is not so beautiful on the outside
-Almaz
There are plenty of girls in the community. Just cause you have been hanging out with a group that you think wants diamond rings, don't generilize for the whole group. I would say that a majority of persian jewish girls want a man who will treat them respectfully and love them more than anything. Get going and fall into the right crowds, you will find someone, b'h'
-Natan
I wish I knew the Persian equivalent, but in English it goes like this:
'WE WANT OUR CAKE, AND WE WANT TO EAT IT TOO!'
We want to take advantage of EVERYTHING that is there to have: higher education, successful career, wealth, beauty, popularity … not realizing that 1) we can't have it all anyway, 2) what we manage to get does come at a price; to become a lawyer, doctor, businessman takes years of hard work and dedication to develop, so one has to put marriage on the side till one has perfected him/herself. I am not advocating mediocrity, just pointing out that there is a price. There are those who rather tone down material ambitions for more spiritual pursuits such as becoming a full-time mom in their twenties and creating loving, thinking and happy children. So, what do we need in our community? Massive Torah education to create a paradigm shift in the assessment of our values to recognize what is important and eternal. I sound omol, but then again ...
- jewish +/- irani (http://jewishirani.blogspot.com/ )
Late marriages are a topic many people seem to have an opinion on. Most people believing that their position is accurate on why it is that the age at which people choose to settle down and commit has shifted to an “older” age. When did this phenomenon come to be? Who to blame? The parents? The girls? The boys? The truth of the matter is that it is many different factors put together. It is very important to take into account that the generation we are in right now is a generation in which the people that are of “marital age” whether that is in their 20’s or 30’s are first generation AMERICAN-PERSIAN-JEWS. It takes time and patience for an entire community to learn how to incorporate their existing traditions into the traditions of the country they have migrated to. New marital practices along with religion, and other Persian traditions are just a few of the things that are slowly evolving from the traditional Persian mentality to the American-Persian frame of mind. What that is exactly is in the works and yet to be established. Back in Iran everything was very clear-cut, there was an age where everyone got married, and who you married was more or less laid out for you. Our parents and grandparents didn’t have as many choices as we do, they married, Perisan, Jewish, and probably a Persian-Jew from their hometown. We have to understand that as first generation American-Persian Jews that we have a lot of obstacles coming our way but that there is no need to point fingers and blame. We should look at it as the challenge of our generation, in hopes of conquering it and finding the person we are supposed to be with at the time we are supposed to be with them. Enjoy the journey…. -Yael
Here's my view on what a call the 'unfortunate cycle' (I was in the cycle till i realized)
The young right minded girls who want to marry early (eg. 18-26) want young men their own age. But those fellows are having fun at parties and clubs and drinking and eyes on lots of non-jewish bodies. Those guys eventually turn into their mid-30s, and realize they are done parting, and white girls dont usually go for bald persians, so they want to marry. What do they want? young girls in the 20s, not their 30 year old companions. But young girls (usually)
are not into older 30 year old men (some are). Therefore both males and females get older and older and niether one doesnt realize if they just meet each other sooner, they will most likely share some of their most beautiful and younger years with each other.
Obvisouly this is a generaliztion, but a good one. Ive seen it, Ive been in it, and tried to talk people out of it. -Jason
hmmm.. There is not a simple answer. There are many reasons why people get married later. I think now days most guys and girls go to school and then get advanced degrees beyond a four year bachelor degree. To do this you have to sacrafice dating and serious relationships until you are done with your education. I know personally that was the case for me. However I do also believe that both guys and girls in our community have also become shallow and tend to focus on the wrong attributes when they are ready for marriage which tends to delay marriage even further. Many girls put too much focus on money and status (being a dr.'s wife for example) but at the same time I agree with Almaz and others above that guys also are looking for young, beautiful, skinny girls without caring too much about the more important attributes such as personality,ethics, morals, etc. Unfortunately I know one too many single persian guys who are in their mid or even late thirties who claim that they will never seriously consider a girl for marriage once she has hit '30', or date a girl that is more than a size 6. Unfortunately when it comes to marriage a lot of our values are in the wrong place. -Negar
I don't agree with some of the comments here. It is possible to find some girls that are not materialistic, and are willing to settle down with a guy who has just graduated from college, or is still in college. She knows she won't be living in Beverly Hills, or have a nice car. She knows she will have to live with a budget. She knows the hardship will only last 4 or 5 years, until her husband graduates and starts his career. The problem is Persian parents. They want their daughter to marry a millionaire, because they believe that is the only way she will be happy. Just like the song says.. 'yek dokhtar daram shah nadareh...be kas kasoonesh nemeedam, be hamekasoonesh nemeedam...' They manage to convice their daughter that the guy she is dating is the scum of the earth, and persuade her to break up with him, and go out with a doctor or lawyer instead. Sad what are community is coming to. Everything in this world is bashert, or ghesmat, or fate...but Persian parents don't understand that sometimes. Anonymous
Dear friends,
The blame is not any gender in particular; it is where our values lie. As young Jews, if we have our focus on marriage at a younger, age we have enough avenues to find the acceptable mate. If you feel that as a man your not monetarily prepared for marriage are you feeling this because of what you would like to provide or what someone is telling you they need. What do we define as a necessity for marriage, unfortunately more and more it seems what we are acquiring in a marriage is viewed on the level of physicality and not one of spirituality. I feel very strongly if we look for kindness, understanding, the real basis of an Iranian Jewish home and communicate what we want we can find someone with common goals. If you feel your parents are making the decisions hers or his the person is not making decisions by themselves for what they value as a mate,, this shows someone who is not mature enough to make a decision as important as picking a mate they are more than likely not ready for marriage, where many decisions will be made by the partners the parents will not live with the spouse. If they wont choose you because of monetary reasons don't be insulted be happy you know this and that you do not match their goals and your goals are different for life so you know that you are not compatible.
We should not blame either side or any one reason, we should look at ourselves see what it is we want and make an active decision to find it. The world is made up of different people, who have very different goals. In today’s day and age…careers, incomes, image all pre-occupy our minds.. but remember these are not inheritable characteristics for your children.. we owe it to our children to think much more deeply. I wish we all find someone whom we can build an amazing home filled with khesed.
Golnaz
The problem is really too complex to really pinpoint who is at fault. But as a guy I will be more biased on placing the blame on the girls. As opposed to the American Jews, most Persian girls in college or graduate school do not really date for marriage. They will have friends who they will hang out with for years but nothing serious. As far as the guys, it’s true-- they are putting too much time on their career before marriage. How do we solve the problem? As Mark Twain once said, I never let my schooling interfere with my education. Farshad
Yes a lot of Persian and even Non Persian Jews want that for their daughters. Thinking that being with a rich man will bring her happiness and security. Think again. If the man is already rich when you married him Guess what THAT is HIS money NOT yours. And there is nothing worse than being with a man that is NOT kind but rich. Who says being rich and living in Berverly Hills makes a man a great husband. I know PLENTY that are rich living in Beverly Hills but have Mistresses on the side. Sometimes the wife knows about it. A LOT of them know about it. But because of the lifestyle that they have become VERY much accustomed too and do NOT wish to give that up. They would rather deal with this nonsense and humilation rather than give up the Beverly Hills lifestyle. There are a lot of unhappy people in our community. But because of the family pressure, Society pressures and whatnot some people are just too cowardly to do something different because they are afraid of what OTHER people are going to say and the REAL ONE you should be worried about is Hashem Almaz
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Comments
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It is unfortunate that Persian girls have been stereotyped as 'materialistic,' since there are plenty of well-educated and self-sufficient young women out there who place more importance on a gentleman's values, mentality, and personality traits than his net worth. For some of us, it's not about a guy being 'rich,' but, rather, 'enriched' spiritually, intellectually, and culturally.
Posted by Claudia, on Tuesday, 10 July 2007 at 6:11
I'm a tall, handsome persian jewish male from a wealthy and semi religous family. I started looking to settle down and get married around the age of 25 or so. i wanted to find someone in the age range of 18 to 25. Most of the girls gave me the same line and excuse of why they could not date, 'they had to study' and did not want to get distracted from school or have time to be in a relationship.
I am now in my early 30's and still single, Some of the girls i tried to date are now doctors and lawyers and some did all that studying and are nothing. Regardless they are all close to 30 and yes they may have earned a degree but lost the youth and lookes that a man longs for in a wife.
Yes, Education is very important but finding your soulmate in life, getting married and having a family should come first for a women.
Posted by Farhad, on Wednesday, 04 July 2007 at 9:43
Guys, if you want to meet girls who care more about YOU than your car or your profession, then you need to start dating girls who HAVE their own car and their own profession. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the quantity of smart and beautiful girls that exist in the Persian community. When you stop using shallow criteria to meet girls, then you'll stop finding shallow ones. It's that simple.
Posted by Sarah, on Tuesday, 26 June 2007 at 4:31
Honestly I doubt getting married late is such a bad thing now a days. Just look around us. The ones that got married early, 9 out of 10 are not happy anyways. They wonder why they did not take their time to explore (ie. travel, date, education, etc...). Either they are divorced or are in bad marriages. I think both men and women got through a major change after the age of 28, so maybe it is a good thing they are waiting to get married later. By then their personalities have settle in and know what it is they want in a partner. I also have to agree with the person who mentioned how hard it is for us being the first generation here. There is a lot we need to get accustom to in US and the rules and mentalities of home no longer apply. I think if we just accept the fact people (our community in particular) have assimilated and we are going to get married in our later years, then the pressure will be off of everyone. Just my 2 cents.
Posted by shey, on Tuesday, 29 May 2007 at 5:52
B'H
We must stop running and we will not be chased. Stop seeking what the 'nations' go after and seek what HaShem desires of us. The body is a covering and vessel for the soul. Seek what is true and happiness WILL follow.
Posted by Raquel, on Monday, 14 May 2007 at 10:45
I completely agree with Jason!! great point
Posted by sara, on Friday, 16 March 2007 at 11:44
For the guy who wanted to know, the Persian equivalent of 'Eat your cake and have it too' is 'Ham khoda ra mikham ham khorma' (I want both the god and the date). In those days, people used to make gods out of dates, or so the story goes. So one day a guy gets hungry and eats his date. But he wants the god too.... hence the origin of the expression.
Posted by Rabin, on Friday, 16 March 2007 at 6:47
There are a few things that many have not addressed: 1. Culture Clash. How long you've lived in the U.S. or how Americanized you've become is something that is an issue for many. I know for me being in my late twenties and having lived here for almost 20 years, I find some of the girls either to be too Persian or too Americanized. (one isn’t better or worse than the other) After all, one becomes assimilated to the American Culture and so to be compatible within this area is important. Some of us are a mixture of both cultures. It’s not necessarily knowing to speak the English language but also relating to the American culture. There is also the religion factor. Today, Persian Jews come in all sorts of flavors; From Atheists to Shomer Negiyas. Both parties have to be compatible in this area as well. Just my two cents. Best of luck to everybody. Its also about the right timing. So be patient! :)
Posted by Michael, on Thursday, 15 March 2007 at 5:24
Hi Everyone,
Here's my 'outsider' view as I recently moved here. I think both sides have serious critial issues that sadly can be generally true and make things extremely difficult to overcome. I also think a lot of it has to do with parents, and raising their children with bad values; or to put it in a nicer way not showing them that love and compatability are what should truely come first. I have lived here less than a year and I must say it hasn't been easy to meet women who are down to earth and ready to settle down in their 20's (I am 32 now myself). I feel that in this complex, ever changing world, we have lost sight of what is really important - family, values, legacy, heritage... in the pursuit of wealth, freedom and selfishness. The key is to find a good balance to try to maintain a good, healthy and comfortable lifestyle without loosing sight of what is really why we are here ( to be good Jews, find the right soulmate and raise a great family). With this said, I still have hope for finding the right person. I know its not easy in this society that seems overwhelmed with materialism, gossip and selfishness. However, with no offense to anyone in particular I think we all need to take a step BACKWARDS, look at ourselves and what we really want and deserve in life and start acting accordingly. It should not have to be so difficult to be your self and find someone good, decent and compatible to be with. I would hope that women will start to look more at what is really important in the man they are looking for ( personality, brains, compatability, chemistry) and the men will also be more realistic and grow out of their ways as well. I for one am proud of who I am and dont feel like I fit into the stigmas I have seen or read about the community in general. However its vital to keep your eyes on the big picture, not worry so much about what your parents or anyone else may think about someone and go with your instincts and heart if you are fortunate to find someone you do connect with. Hopefully in due time we can start to see more couples who can show such attributes and open the eyes of those who feel its all the same out here. I look forward to doing so as well once I find the right person. Good luck to us all, cause no matter who you are and what you do or dont have it seems challenging to find someone in todays world.
Yehudah Younessian
Posted by Yehudah Younessian, on Tuesday, 30 January 2007 at 12:49
I agree with a lot of the above. My personal opinion is that many times people look for things they want to take from a relationship, to have. Example: 'an honest, kind, loyal person.' Our society does not teach us to enhance and refine ourselves so that we have something to give to a relationship. The fact is that most people do not consider the idea of being 'worthy of that which you seek.' To be worthy of an honest person and relationship- YOU must be honest TOO!
Many people who look for their ideal person without looking within first, are setting themselves up for disappointment. The emphasis should be working on ourselves as human beings because relationships aren't about having/finding someone great, they're about giving to one another and becoming great together.
Posted by A free slave of truth, on Monday, 29 January 2007 at 4:45
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