 After spending a few hours contemplating marriage, and the state of it amongst the American Jewish twenty somethings and the early thirties, I realized that our wants and desires have markedly changed and not only is the age of marriage increasing so is the divorce rate.
Many things are changing that one can say can attribute to this, we can say people are more career driven, expectations are higher due to modern changes in standard of living, male female roles have taken on a more equal footing according to some women and this leads to the women having more power in her choices.
Picky, selective, high standards, you hear these from every mid twenties to thirties person these days you ask why are you not seriously dating someone forget why are you not married and thinking about a family. The reality is many things on the surface of society very well may have changed but the individuals who make up society the men and the women are the same.
The wants of a male and the wants of a women are instinctively based it is based on the essence of nature. Men need nuturing women. Women need to understand the psychology of a man, in order to be good wives and strong women in their homes. Many women take offense and scream backward thinking and turn into female versions Che Guevara revolutionaries how dare you blame the woman how dare it be us and not men evolving with the times.
We speak about men as the hunters and gathers and us the homemakers when we view a more outdated version of what it is to be female male roles. Many people view this as the man having the strength and the women doing with what she is provided. This mentality or this perspective that has permeated society is the disease amongst us. The perspective that in such situations the women is viewed as weak.
Women who are homemakers in 2005 are viewed as not being educated as not having goals, if statistics, are looked at upon the surface of women with fulltime career driven lives with a divorce rate as to home makers or women who work but are not career driven the divorce rate doubles that of homemakers. Many would say that this is due to women having more choice and personal financial freedom and can easily make a decision to divorce. However if one delves deeper into statistics one sees the reasons for divorce stem from the lack of a structured home environment.
When I was growing up my nana would always say when you get married the best sign to know if you have a happy home and your doing your part is to see where your husband wants to be when he is tired. If he has been working all day and then realizes he has to go home and feels relieved you have a strong marriage, but if he feels he is leaving one job to go home to more work, this is a man who is very unlucky and both partners in the marriage are not harmonious. I remember years later sitting at my friends home around 5 and her husband was on his way home. I told her I would leave he is coming home tired and doesnt need to walk into her friends sitting around the TV.
She rolled her eyes and said so what he isnt climbing mountains hes working what man doesnt work? Yes she is right who in this day and age doesnt work? She says he will come home throw his coat down be exhausted and complain about work and they will argue. I asked her when he comes in why dont you take his coat from him ask him to sit tell him hes tired offer him something to drink. While he walks in he can finally exhale for a minute put a dinner on the table yes cook, let him drive home tired and know his WIFE is going to take care of him, he will go home and he will be tired with all the work traffic etc.. that go on outside his home and when he walks in he can finally exhale you in turn will sit with your husband and have dinner and be the head of your home take care of him. If you dont do these things who will? Many women have expectations of a great husband and a great home but they forget the fact they are the ones that make that a reality. These very simple acts of appreciation for your husband make for a very loving husband, many women complain he isnt kind he isnt warm teach him.
As a woman we are not just nurturers we are teachers. Dont expect flowers appreciate them, dont expect an I love you earn it.
They have to be thankful for a marriage and a hardworking husband not think well so and sos husband works more and their house is bigger. You as a woman can make your home a blessed place; dont let envy destroy your home.
I put much of the responsibility on women. It is how we approach a situation it is how we look at something. Yes you can very easily give in to your ego and make anything unacceptable. His lack of income your husbands height his lack of hair etc.. but why, did you marry him there was something special there. There was a level of mutual respect and love, a good team can turn this into an amazing home and true love, not the attraction and the initial feelings but when you feel a responsibility for the other when it is not just a paper although holy putting you together but a feeling of family. When your husband is yours and you are his, there is no room for ego, no room to say I wont get him his coffee no room to feel small because of an act youre the woman in that relationship and that is equal to the man but they both have different needs to balance each other.
When choosing a potential match many girls say I could never date him hes baldhe is overweight, why could you not? Why, are you completely un-attracted to this individual no you just have these impossible standards. Have you ever had a friend whom the more you get to know the more appealing that person becomes to you? The more you get to know them you find them better looking? Boys will say the same
They dont foresee many much more important things. Will this individual you are searching for be a strong parent will they be nurturing will they be stimulating to you mentally you hear many men say she isnt this or that but she is beautiful When you are alone in a home and raising children looks will become normal. Yes of course physical attraction is very important but it becomes very easy to be unnatracted to someone who isnt nurturing and kind.
The problem is not there are no men or women out there the problem is this standard we have that it is ok to say we are picky? What is it that one has to offer that they can hold themselves at such a level? Degrees one has worked for on there own and shouldnt be held over anothers head, looks are g-d given and nothing you worked for and we will all age and if the goal is marriage you will all look alive at 50 and you will look exactly that 50 nothing special. Money again it comes and goes you arent buying cattle and your not for sale. What about he is a very good man? His standards in life are impeccable he is g-d fearing etc. She is a good girl she would make a good wife. This introspection is what we have lost. Many people want something they can show off, there is nothing wrong with being proud of something you have, but ask yourself what it is your proud of?
There is nothing wrong with being proud of your wife or your husbands career they work hard maybe they make a big impact on the world but will this effect your level of respect for them? What is it you respect in your partner what does this say about your grasp of understanding of life and commitment to happiness.
I remember again another story of 2 of my closest friends who were 2 of 6 sisters getting engaged within 2 weeks of each other, I was so happy for both of them. I went to their home to congratulate them and I heard that one of the sisters was crying in her room and had a huge fight with her husband. She was disgusted at the size of her wedding ring, she was crying tears as if the world was to end. I immediately started worrying as to what must have happened. I told her to come talk with me in private she was such a sweet girl and my fiery temper took hold and I was about to say the hell with him you can do better who is he to make you cry when I said to myself first breath then think then talk She said did you see my sisters ring? It is such and such carats and Im older than her and my diamond is so small. I pulled her aside and said did you say anything to him? She said she angrily told him this ring was unacceptable and embarrassing. I looked at her and said you embarrassed him and made him feel small. He picked that ring for you and bought it for a woman he wants to be his wife, this is not to be taken lightly he must think so much of you not to just have you as a girlfriend but to have you as his wife and he buys you a ring to tell the world she is taken and she is mine and you say such things to him? You obviously love him and he wants you as his. Then why would you not appreciate this ring, ok lets say for example he couldnt afford a bigger ring, you will have a home you will run it well you will have savings and he will again buy you something it is just that a physical thing is it that important? She started complaining and I said so the ring represents more than the bond of a husband and wife or your potential marriage call this marriage off immediately. She got insulted I said what if tomorrow something happens and he has no income and needs you and you have to sell this ring? What will you do? Now do you understand a woman must know when to pick her battles? Call him and say you are sorry and that it has nothing to do with the ring you have pressure over the wedding and you are stressed, and you would never want another ring not matter what he says.
They are now happy parents they have a beautiful home, he works very hard and adores his wife. She even now has the ring she always wanted. That fight could cause irrepericable damage these fights and our egos can satisfy us for the moment but if we dont pick our battles we will start unneseary wars.
One of the most important things a woman can ask herself is what is it I see as qualities for my future mate, unfortunately a majority of the answers women give have to do with physicality. They say I want a man who is this tall or this way or that way or this job or that title, there are even women that want to marry a rabbi, but not for the right reason. We can want seemingly positive things with negative intention. Do you want a rabbi as a husband because he will be learned and deal with you in a divine way which is the ultimate of truth an justice or do you want to be known as a rebbetzin, do you want to learn with him or just be an attaché to a well known person?..
We as women must be true and fiercely strong to our own perspectives, if we are not deep in our wants we may get that which we dont really see. We may get a tall dark and handsome man who lacks in all areas of living a harmonious life.
Dating is a realm in which a woman sets the ground for the future the woman alone does this. If a man is interested in a woman, that initiation begins, with that initiation the future is in our hands. Time and time again we hear I treat women the way they want to be treated. I treat them the way they are. If she is a lady I treat her as a lady if she acts another way I treat her that way. We as women are sensitive beings we should have no expectation that a strange person a man who we have known for 3 months protect us if we dont protect ourselves whom we have been for our whole lifetime. It is our world and our time to lay ground rules. Self-respect and Self-esteem are the cornerstones of being a strong Jewish woman. Open sexuality, multiple sex partners, pre marital living arrangements. All of these societal norms have made men what they are today, we have given them access to something holy without a holy rite. A woman is a beautiful being Hashem has given us the ability to give life, to carry a child and to feed a life with our bodies, we encompass giving of life, and purity to this world a new born child. That body and soul that we posses is a vessel. One that if the owner does not protect how could we expect others to.
Women in todays day, have said they enjoy sex, it is freeing it is empowering to be in charge of their sexuality. This is not against a torah ideal, women should be pleased by Sex, but in the holy manner it was intended for it is a mitzvah on the husband that his wife be satisfied by him. She is that holy vessel, given to him for his enjoyment and vice versa. It is a holy act committed in a holy way. This in no way can equate, to casual dating.
Men are different than women, they are able to engage in sexual activity and walk away, why are there more, gentlemans clubs than there are vice versa for women, society is much more accepting and in certain parts of town those clubs exist it would not be unacceptable for a womans club to exist, why because of our nature, we look at sexuality with a different perspective, we dont have an experience and live the next hour as if it didnt happen. Men remain when they feel they are needed to protect something they value, something that they VALUE, that feeling of value is earned by the woman her self respect her self worth and her being able to offer to this man more than physicality.
I went on a walk with a young man from my shule who had broken up with his girlfriend, he was sad and said he was tired of her telling him how much money she made and how successful she was she had a much higher education level than this man, and financially was very successful. This gentleman on the other hand, was very hard working, was looking to get married raise a jewish home, and when I asked him how he felt about this girl why he picked her, he said she is very pretty, tall and has a great sense of humor. None of what he said nutured him as a man. I smiled and sat on the steps and said and what does that have to do with your needs? Ok again she is pretty so? Yes attraction is very important but I thought to myself she does not make you feel like you can protect something you value, she is robbing you of your essence and of course you will be resentful. I remained quiet, looked at him and said, marry a girl and be with a girl, who may be queen of the universe but she will make you always feel like a king in her presence, he said come on no girl this day is like that they will tell you to go directly to hell. I said well where do you feel you are now? You are in pain and you say I feel like hell. Believe me the right women who will protect your essence will put you in a warm Jewish home and you will be in heaven. |
