They hope to deepen these feelings as the marriage progresses. But what happens when a person has many unrealistic ideas of what marriage is supposed to be like or what a relationship entails? Disappointment is sure to set in – especially if you have watched TV, movies, listened to love songs or read romantic novels. You may then have an image of marriage that can never really exist.

Having spoken to many couples over the years, we have realized there are many MYTHS that surround marriage. In one of our previous Happy Anniversary Party we explored some of these Myths & Realities in marriage. They are:

1) MYTH: A good marriage will always be romantic.
REALITY: Nearly all relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud our romantic feelings. Just because the feelings of love are not always present doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of love. This is when making the decision to love is important.

2) MYTH: Marriage will make me happy.
REALITY: A marriage partner does not have the power or ability to make another person happy. We can’t expect our spouse to be our one source of happiness. A person’s sense of happiness must come from deep inside himself/herself. Marriage has the potential of complementing our own individual happiness and well being, but it can’t be the primary source.

3) MYTH: If we really love each other, then everything will fall into place and we won’t have any major problems.
REALITY: A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It needs constant nurturing and hard work. Constant sensitivity to one another’s needs and continual adaptations to changes are necessary to keep love alive.

4) MYTH: My spouse should know my needs without my saying anything.
REALITY: Regardless of a spouse’s intelligence or personal thoughts, they don’t have the ability to read their partner’s mind. Needs often must be verbalized in clear language – sometimes repeatedly. We have to tell our spouses what our needs are. If the need is something the spouse can realistically provide, then they must know that the need exists.

5) MYTH: Conflict means a lack of love.
REALITY: Conflict happens in every marriage – it’s inevitable – but it doesn’t have to be damaging to the marriage relationship. Spouses have different viewpoints and different feelings based on their backgrounds and previous experiences. Those differences don’t mean that one spouse is right and the other wrong; it just means that they are not alike in their thoughts or feelings. Conflict, when dealt with appropriately, can be healthy for a relationship – in that new ideas and new ways of looking at things are introduced to each spouse and to the relationship. Fight fair and for the relationship – not just to win.

Rabbi Refael Ribacoff is a Bukharian Rabbi living in New York and is the Executive Director of Sha'arei Zion Ohel Bracha. For more from Rabbi Ribacoff go to BukharianJews.com .