 It is common knowledge that that there are many in our community that, in their pursuit for status and acceptance, live shallow and meaningless lives which unfortunately surface when deciding on a future wife or husband.
Therefore, stating a need to strive higher for more meaningful relationships would not be such a unique message. However, a look at the underlying reasons for our physical and economic obsessions might offer some additional insight.
We know that one of our main drives in life is to obtain the maximum pleasure possible, and with this drive comes also a pursuit of pleasure when looking for a spouse. We all, understandably, seek to attain the most suitable partner in life and thus we must carefully analyze our approach and underlying motives.
Rabbi Noah Weinberg has been lecturing and writing about a model of ‘Pleasure’ in which he explains that there exists different levels of pleasure, with each higher level being so much more intense that it would not be rationally be traded for any of the lower ones. In his model, the most basic level of pleasure is that attained through physical or material means including anything that involves our 5-senses (i.e. nice cars, good food, good looks).
The Problem
Sadly, it is in this lowest level of pleasures that many in our community are dismally stuck in, constantly driving to satisfy their most basic pleasure drives. We have all heard the stories of rejection because of ridiculous shallow reasons solely based on physicality or economic status. We all know of countless stories of potential matches being broken off in the Persian community because a bank account was not large enough or even because a body part was either too large or possibly too small. In order for us to maximize life’s pleasures we must look to higher levels that can possibly guide us to a more pleasurable existence.
A higher level
Waiting for you above the base level of physical and material pleasure, is the pleasure attained to through love. It goes without saying that true love can never be traded for any material or physical pleasure. Just ask a parent how much money they would be willing to trade their child they truly love for, and you will easily see the power of love and how it surpasses any physical pleasure. If we were to look for true love, then we would not be so picky and would perceive fewer flaws.
Rambam (Maimonides) defines love as the emotional pleasure a person experiences when they understand and focus on the virtues of another person. It is with this outlook of not being stuck in physicality that one can enhance the experience with a potential partner. However, we are surrounded by a society that demands absolute perfection, with the slightest flaw we are ready to throw away a potential promising match. Some of us walk around thinking, just like in the movies, that one day we will happen to find that perfect date that will meet every one of our unrealistic shallow expectations and we will simply and easily fall in love. The truth is that if you have effortlessly fallen in love without hard work and compromise, it is likely that you can just as easily fall out of love as well.
To that Rabbi Weinberg explains1, “…the concept that love is NOT something you choose, but rather something that just ‘happens’ to you, is a lie—a beautiful, romantic, extremely popular, fabulously alluring lie.” The Rabbi continues, “Real love requires a careful evaluation of whether, in fact, this person’s understanding, perceptions, goals, and lifestyles really do jive with yours. That process takes time, effort, and honest scrutiny.”
It is with this outlook that one must be willing to forgo some material and physical pleasures to open the possibility for a true loving relationship, one that is not based merely on looks and money, but one that promises an elevated sense of meaningful pleasure.
It is fully understandable, and even strongly recommended, that a person find a spouse that is physically attractive to them or one that allows for an economically comforting life. However, at some point we must analyze our motives behind some of our shallow and empty demands. If we do not do this proper analysis, we will make our search for that soul-mate that much harder by foolishly focusing on physical and economical issues rather than considering practical and emotional ones as well. With that, we should hearken the words of our Sages in the Mishna2 when they say, "Any love that depends on a specific matter, when that matter is gone, the love is gone; but if does not depend on a specific matter, it will never cease." In which Rambam comments on this Mishna by explaining that a relationship that does not depend on material benefits, such as wealth or beauty, but instead is an unselfish attachment based on mutual respect and concern, will surely endure." A message that we must not only agree with but also practice as well.
Then again, maybe physical and economical issues are the most important thing to depend on; Maybe we should all demand others to look more attractive by getting plastic surgery before marrying them or maybe even require proof of financial status by obtaining bank receipts and tax returns as some in our Persian community have done :)
1. What The Angel Taught You , p. 41
2. Pirkei Avot 5:19
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