Jewish singles’ parties. Synagogues. Lectures. Community events. The perfect places to meet young Jewish singles. Year after year, we flock together, hundreds of us, sometimes even thousands, with glimmers of hope. That there are so many of us, that we return, is truly remarkable.

These are miraculous scenes, but they have a tragic edge. Because year after year, after all is said and done, hundreds of us leave these places without having met each other or worse, having been shunned by each other. 

We ask ourselves: If not here, where? If not this way, then how? Our mothers ask: What is our problem? How could so much potential go unrealized?

Consider the following episodes.

THE BOYS

In the midst of the packed, growing crowd in a holiday shul - everyone eager and dressed to the nines - a young man noticed a woman he liked. Finally, one woman had caught his eye; there was one he could possibly grow to like. He wanted to talk to her but he didn’t know anything about her. It was up to him to make the first move but oh, how difficult it is to approach a girl you don’t know and put your hope, your faith, your effort and ego into that first word.

It had to be done. This is what he came here for. This is what is all depended on. He mustered up his courage and walked over to her. It was no more than minutes before he was walking away. Not only was she not interested, she had given him “attitude.”  Her eyes wandered around the room as he tried to utter those first words. She didn’t tell him to go away. She kept him there - talked but didn’t really listen, looked but didn’t really see, almost as if she needed to have someone to put down, someone to be better than.

He walked away dejected. He was not the best in the crowd perhaps, but he was bright, he was kind and tall, and many would consider him handsome. After meeting her, he could only speak of her with disdain. She was no great catch herself, he noted. She wasn’t that pretty, may not have been too bright and she certainly wasn’t kind. Who was she to give him attitude? Why, he wondered, had he ever broken up with his non-Jewish girlfriend. Had he left her for this?

Later that night, when the boys gathered round, they dismissed the encounter. “Don’t worry,” they exclaimed. “It’s the next bus to Shiksaville for us.” The feeling was echoed again and again. There was too much “tude” to contend with.

As one Jewish Single male put it, “ Why would you get on all fours before a Jewish girl and wait like a dog to be slapped again.” There were many such complaints from young, eligible, intelligent, hardworking, kind, considerate men who attended these “scenes” year after year.

Over and over, I heard it: Jewish girls have attitude. And on top of that, they expect too much. “They may as well ask for your bank statement with your first hello.”

You’ve got to be able to give Jewish women everything they ask for and more. But non-Jewish women, with them, there is less pressure and more pleasure. Their expectations are lower and their appreciation greater. It makes some wonder if the easiest solution wouldn’t be to look elsewhere. 

As a result, these dashing young men often become more inhibited in the crowd and more frustrated outside of it. At best, they stop approaching girls. At worst, they simply stop coming, because rebuffed enough times, even the most well–intentioned can become discouraged and start to look for love elsewhere.
 

THE GIRLS

And so, the girls are left looking pretty but alone, standing silent and awkward in the crowd, some of them literally holding onto each other for comfort and support. The scene becomes even colder. Like “selling water filters over the phone,” contact becomes rare and awkward. And we wonder: why aren’t more of us meeting.

Jewish men say attitude. And in many cases, they are surely right. But don’t Jewish men have attitudes and high expectations in other ways? Consider the physical requirements on Jewish women. We are expected to look far better than we naturally do. There just don’t seem to be enough of us who are attractive enough. 

This one’s too fat, too skinny, too short, too dark or light; her calves are too wide, her breasts are too small. And all this in the first glance, before they even have the chance to know if her laugh is too loud, her smile insincere, her brain too heavy or too light.

Jewish girls spend hours shopping for the perfect clothes, months of waiting for the perfect prospect, and then someone says hello. And imagine how it feels when he is not at all what you were looking for. And it makes you wonder as Jack Nicolson did “What if this is as good as it gets?”  True, it may take time to learn whether he is what you’re looking for, but Jewish women don’t have the luxury of too much time. If a Jewish woman doesn’t marry young, everyone will soon wonder what’s wrong with her, and if she doesn’t marry well, she may wonder what’s wrong with herself.

Especially in that first approach, decisions must be made in split seconds. If not, the wrong message might be sent. He might think you like him and then you have to go on a date with him or figure how to say “no,” or squirm out of the situation by seeing some phantom friend on the other side of the room.

None of this is appealing unless of course you like the guy, which is probably as rare for the girls as it is for the guys. Because after all, even when the right one approaches, there is so much tension in the meeting. You immediately assess whether or not you could see yourself with the person long term. You must think that; this is a single’s event, this is what you have been told your whole life is the priority. This is what you have waited for for so long; so much depends on it, it can’t help but become stifling. How can it be easy? How can it be light and free, fun and open?

And what would happen if it were? Could Jewish girls risk the possibility of sending the wrong message or spending too much time with the wrong person when the right one could be walking by? With all this going on, it becomes almost impossible not to give attitude. You have to be clear and swift; you can’t waste any time, because every second he’s standing there, there are fifteen possibilities walking by, and one of those may be “the one,” and he may not get to see you because this other guy’s face is in the way!

And the alternative – being free and light – isn’t great either, especially in a crowd that is so far to the other extreme. At one such place, a young woman went for a walk with a long time male friend. She took her leave, telling her friends she’d be back in a fifteen minutes and went off with the boy for what turned out be a romantic interlude. As they were about to make their way back, she asked him to stay a while longer. Why go back into the crowd when they had a special moment where they were.

“Sorry, “ he said, “your fifteen minutes are up.”

How much faith would it take to get to know a stranger when a friend, a good Jewish man, acted as such? Some girls, then, are left wondering which is worse: not being approached by Jewish men or being approached by them.

THE BOTTOM LINE

So if women give attitude when it comes to potential love, men have their own ways of doing so. And in the end, we’re left to contend with each other, whether or not we like it. It’s a catch 22. We need each other or at least want each other, but because of our attitudes, we can’t find each other and certainly can’t enjoy each other. We never get to meet many intelligent, kind, interesting, worthy people who many not be “The One,” but may be special nonetheless.
 
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all lightened up a little? If we were a little more open? If we remembered that along the way to finding “the one,” we could meet many special someones who bring the joy we need and comfort we seek. Wouldn’t it be nice if we remembered that what we have today could so easily be gone tomorrow, and we treasured our necessities (ourselves) like luxuries?

As long as we do keep coming back, we may as well enjoy ourselves and lighten up a little. Because if things stay the way they are, we might stop coming back and we might encourage the intermarriage we are trying to combat by coming here. (Or worse, we might not start families in the first place.)

Very simply, it seems that our happiness and warmth toward each other, more than anything else, can make the difference we are looking for. We need only to learn not to take each other for granted, to let go a little and be free, and remember sometimes to laugh with a stranger.

This article was orginally published in the Los Angeles Jewish Times.